Pain: The Great Goal Clarifier
Zennie
One thing I can say about painful, frustrating, and irratating situations is that they are great at clarifying my goals.
First, there is the recognition of "hell no", this not what I want. That usually lasts for several hours or even days.
Then there is the turnaround which says ahhhhh so then I must want this instead. That is actually worth something very valuable to me, and I can honestly report that at a time when I am truly aggravated bordering on pissed off. That is progress for me because it is real easy for me to get stuck in what I am pissed off about and rant phase minus the growth & learning.
Here is the deal. I don't get dating. What passes for dating eludes me. I am baffled. It is truly beyond me as a ritual of our society. Someone please explain it to me.
Here's why... My thought or intention is that dating was about getting to know another person, opening to each other, being vulnerable, and if there is a connection or good energy following through with it in a balanced way of course.
So I met this lovely lady. We are going out. We are having fun. We enjoy each other's company. We learn about each other each every time we talk, and then poof she disappears busy with work, going on a trip, got some kind of plans, or just plain not available or reachable. It is like the game whack a mole . Then up she pops up and all is connected and fun again.
The problem is it is real hard to establish any real intimacy when I feel like I am pulled off the shelf played with, and then put back on the shelf. Not that being played with is bad. :o) So that's it.
The beauty of all this is that it clarified the goal for my love life. I want a partner, a passionate lover, and a playmate who is intimate, engaged, present, and vulnerable in a loving exchange of spirit. Since I am sore right now, I emphasized the words that are clarifiers in italics.
So it is really nice to have that clarified. It is also nice to know that I am not going to settle for the norm of I am too busy for love or to talk by telephone or I am going to hold you at a distance. Bull $h-t. I deserve better and so does everyone.
Until such a person comes along, I am going to be a good partner to myself, be passionate, play big as I can, and stay very aware and in tune with delicate deep sensitivity to my heart, feelings, thoughts, sensations, and deepest inner self. Another fine goal! Why wait? I want to give it to myself.
Fist in the Air!
Bring It!
p.s. I don't have a clue what the above picture has to do with this writing. I just discovered it and liked it. It was tender and gentle, and I wanted to feel that again. I didn't sleep well sorting all this out. Now perhaps I will have a cry. So many complex emotions around this. The painting is by Liz Swindle
Access: Public
dating
August 2008 
GREAT post! I can relate… I like your truths that you've discovered in this process… sometimes pain brings us clear answers as to what our boundaries are… clarity in burning away that which does not serve our higher purpose.
Thank you K!
I learned from your friendship lesson\blow up a few weeks back. Putting energy into something that doesn't serve the highest and best of all parties is a waste. Sharing your experience helped me and was a critcal part of helping me move into new territory.
Deep Bow of Gratitude!
zb
Hi Zen: This post reminded me of a poem I wrote years ago for my son…I'll share
LETTER TO MY BROKENHEARTED SON
It really does no good
to cry and wonder why
lovers always seem to say goodbye….
and looking back to remember
who gave “too little”
who gave “too much”……
all that's important in any encounter
is the chance to love
the priviledge to touch…….
and looking back
if you recall
having experienced these two…….
know how special the encounter was….
for both people grew.
Yet cry if you must
Let your tears freely flow
and water the place
understanding may grow…..
about how if you offer yourself to another
and mean it completely
content with no other…..
and they don't adore you
let them be on their way…..
in fact …..help them to pack
do not ask them to stay!!!!
Then create equal sharing
a more Divine Pairing…….
because Less is not good enough
for the Truth that you are….
Hold out for your vision
and your Love will fly far……..
even if your encounters are brief….
even if they only last forever.
katherine estelle eveningstar copywrite 1998
Thank you so much Katherine!
Your poems are so deep, loving, and wise!
This is a similar pointer that I got from my roommate Dan. Yours is much more eloquent.
In truth, I do not need her to act in any way in particular, in my timeframe, and according to my script. That is my learning. That is the conditioning I am overcoming. So opening up, discovering, letting go, opening to receive or say good bye, I am getting to practice that.
I realized yesterday that I don't need her to love me, accept me, approve of me, or fulfill an agenda. That way, if she does any of those things, it will be a free gift. If she doesn't then it is a learning and some lovely connections. It is humbling and that is helpful because it keeps me childlike and open rather than driven and limited in view. I feel a great sense of freedom from having to do, be, or expect anything in particular because all that I need is within me. Thanks to you and others who have helped!
Deep Bow of Gratitude!
zb
Hello Zennie,
I am reading your blog for the first time today, drawn by your icon.
I can add little to what the others have said other than, I appreciate your openness and willingness to share your experience. You have a beautiful heart and spirit and now that you know what you desire and begin giving it to yourself your experience of love and relationships will change for the better.
It is a lucky woman who will be loved by a man like you.
Namaste,
Jodi
Thank you Jodi for your kind words and the encouragment!
It is so very timely, and so very much appreciated!
I remain hopeful!
zb
I have been going through the “hell no” learning experience too…except that I ignored it for way to long…long after he broke up with me…
Learning to listen to myself was a BIG breakthrough for me. And the funny thing is, as soon as I ACCEPTED the “hell no” in me (months after realizing it!), I met a guy who seems at least to be all the things that I wrote down that I want in a relationship, in response to the “hell no”. Even funnier is that our life experieces are very parallel.
I am in the “hopefully optomistic” stage right now…but I am making sure that whilst I am attempting to live in the NOW with him, that I am listening for the “hell no” (but not looking for it!).
I may end up bloggin on the “hell no” topic…it is something that I have kinda been thinking of but not put down in words. Thank you for sharing and thus opening another door for me to learn about myself..
Peace
Pam
Loved your post, here, and the ones on the relationship pods. Been in the same place. What is dating? It certainly isn’t about getting to know someone. What’s it for? The classic style of it would be good for interviewing candidates for arrangements, not for finding someone you love. Everyone walks in with an agenda, and that is hidden. Everyone’s truth is masked, carefully.
I especially loved the part where you explained why the words were in italics.